“As the daughter of prior service members, with a the heart of a servant, I was able to grow into someone that desired to love and assist others. With my Faith in Jesus Christ, I was able to take every ounce of pain that came from a difficult childhood, into young adult years, and transform it into an international platform for advocacy for United States Veterans.
Being such, you would think that marrying my husband, a combat Marine, in 2015 would be easy since I was called, qualified, and competent in assisting Veterans on a daily basis. Rightfully so, I had lay out a plan of proactive measures that would keep us away from all the troubles I see on a daily basis. It was going to work, I was certain.. and, he was on board, too.
Then, just a few weeks after we got married, and before his terminal leave was over.. his very best friend, also a Marine, took his life by means of suicide. When he died, he took my husband with him. There was never any wedded bliss, very few good days in our marriage to date, still. Within 6 months, I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t stand this man I was actually married to. And then, we found out we were pregnant.
During the pregnancy he quit his job, and everything was pretty much downhill from there. I can’t explain enough what it’s like to be the only person keeping the peace in a blended family, with a high risk pregnancy, and not even able to look into the eyes of your husband. I became bitter, resentful.. and the less he would let me love him; allow me to help him, the further from advocacy I drew. How could I help anyone if I couldn’t help my closest neighbor?
We moved, and things with his family became very difficult. Suddenly, I was the reason he wasn’t okay. Childhood trauma, PTSD, and TBI couldn’t possibly be it. It was me. I sent links to literature, begging them to accept his conditions, asking for forgiveness.. and instead, I became worse in their eyes. Their words creeped into his mind, and I was officially an enemy to him… and the newest war began.
As of today, we are still married. I don’t know if God will heal our marriage, or if I can continue to expose myself and children to the process while we wait for God to. I just don’t know anymore. What I do know, is that I’m not the only one. I know that I’m not the only one who fights and struggles well beneath the surface of a war that never ends…
And, I want you to know I am here for you. That I pray for you. That I believe you, and can see the pain in your eyes. I believe in your dreams, and your happiness… and I pray, that like me, you’re willing to believe that you’re worthy and enough.. regardless of the cost.
Freedom isn’t free, but you can be. You just have to decide what it looks like for you. “